Reckoning...

I know that this is going to sound a little pessimistic. If you bear with me, you'll see how it is almost the opposite. I'll just jump right in here, and make the statement...

If there is one sensation that sums up the feeling of fatherhood, it is dissappointment.

Stay with me.

As a father, I feel the deepest love that I have ever felt. I love my son. And, I love my wife. I love my family. The feeling of dissappointment is in not ever being able to do enough. And, I really feel that that feeling is what makes the best fathers.

For me, this feeling is the driving force of everything that I do. It transcends whatever trifles there are in the physical world. It is like any deep spiritual system. It strips away everything, but purpose.

In the mind of the father, the father's job is to do everything. And, to do everything is impossible. Hence, the father will always find himself at the end of the day with at least one more task to complete. The work never ends. And, so there is always more life to live. Each day is filled with purpose.

It is far more complex than these simple statements that I have just made. And, if you are a father, you'll know just what I mean.

I think that all fathers, the ones we think are good as well as the ones we think are bad, have this feeling of dissapointment. This desire to do so much more. And, that's exactly what I mean. The feeling of fatherhood is dissappointment. It's a feeling in your stomach, a nervousness, a fidgetting, a stirring ...

I am a father. And, I am in the extremely enviable position of being able to work at home, essentially on my own schedule. My wife also works at home. And, the result is that our now eight month old son is in constant contact with one or both of us. It's hard to say exactly how that affects the young man. But, I can say that he laughs about ninety percent of his waking day. He is off the charts for growth and development. And, he glows with energy. He has been mistaken for a one year old since he was about six months old.

We changed our whole lives so that we could be at home with him. Without a doubt, the change has been for the best. But, it has not been without tremendous struggle. Luckily, the jobs we left behind were thankless low-wage jobs. I left a restaurant, and she left a pre-school. While both had their perks. Money and freedom weren't among them.

We now have a small specialized pre-school in the downstairs of our house, that is run by my wife. I make shoes (really) one custom order at a time. And, from time to time I take on work ranging from house painting to furniture repair to copywriting. Whatever that essential feeling of fatherhood actually is, I have it. Fear? Suspense? Zero gravity?

Whenever I talk to friends in New York (city), they always talk about their insane lives. They work a million jobs. They put out exorbitant amounts of money on a regular basis. But, they always talk about how it's worth it; How that time they get to themselves is the most precious perfect time.

That's how I feel about our work. I feel like I'm constantly working, and constantly writing checks. I feel like I watch the bank account fill up, and then empty out a second later. But, everyday I find a moment where it all feels completely worth it.