Oh god. I love him. I bite his cheeks, and smell the top of his head. And, it's a little maddening to have him in my hands.
Just as much as he is great, he can be a terror. My son has been sick for nearly two weeks. Which means he's been uncomfortable. And, I (the adult) have been through far worse in my life. I've lived through untreated dental horror, and terrible uninsured illness. But, my son gets to scream at the top of his lungs about how hard it is to have a stuffy nose. I want to make it better. But, I also want to let him know that there's a whole lot worse out there. And, I pray that he'll be tough enough to deal with the minor hardships with aplomb, and save all his emotional energy for the true trials of life.
Needless to say, I have not slept for weeks. And, I find myself at a stage in parenthood far worse than that which I have already deemed the worse imaginable part of my life. It's hard not to sleep. Right after my son came into the world, I stopped sleeping. At that point, I'd had a rich and enjoyable 32 years of living. Now, all that rich and restful joyous life has been used up by my son. And, so when he decides to take away my sleep now, there is no reserve upon which to rely. I simply have a rug yanked away.. no cushion to fall upon.
But, typical of parenthood. After a grueling few weeks, I suddenly found the energy to get out of the house with him. We walked about two miles in the warm afternoon. We made it all the way to our favorite child friendly happy hour. I had a beer while he flirted with the audience of sidewalk eaters. And, after mom had found some time to herself, she came to meet us.
Suddenly life was good again.
For me, one of the most difficult things about parenthood is losing the relationship I had with my wife. It's a temporary and strange shift, I know. But, it feels very sad and hard sometimes. You can't (as much as you think you can) put your child away long enough to enjoy the carefree life that you knew.
Today, while I sat with my son waiting for my wife, I thought about this. And, I came to the conclusion that while your child is so young that they are completely and constantly dependant upon you .. In the first few years, your child is cute and silky and chubby and kissable and huggable. It's a good thing. Because, as a parent to a young child, you really have no time or space to be anything but alone. I sit next to my wife. And, sometimes, I get to hold her hand. But, for the most part I live in a semi-sensory deprived state. Essentially void of human contact.
I think it's made up for by the fact that I can hold my son. My wife too.. We both end up pouring all of our love into him. He gets pinched, kissed, hugged, nuzzled, snuggled, and complimented constantly. That's got to be good for his development. And, it allows us to remain loving human beings, despite the deprivation of sleep and human contact that we must undergo as parents.
This love is different than the thing I'm talking about missing. I miss intimacy with my wife. That implies a romantic 'adult' intimacy. It's true that we have much less of that. But, what I miss most is the daily frivolous human contact.. holding hands, little kisses, hugs, and snuggles. What I'm talking about here, is realizing that that kind of contact is something seemingly inherant and necessary in familial love. I love my son. So, I nuzzle him. I love my wife. And, if one of us weren't attending to our child's every need, I'd get to nuzzle her too.
Someday my son will be too old to nuzzle. My wife and I will have the opportunity to renew our everyday closeness. But, in the mean time, our children will help remind us of what it is like to love someone so much that you just want to bite their cheeks, and scream... " I LOVE YOU!!"
For the record, we still inspire that love in each other. It's just not as often actualilzed as it is with our child.
more soon.
